“I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

This quote is from the biblical story of Jacob, who wrestled with an angel through the night, refusing to surrender until the angel blessed him (Genesis 32:24-30, NIV).

This deliberate stance is the number one reason that I am still alive. One out of five people with bipolar one disorder tragically killed themselves. I have been tempted by that possibility many many times. I have had close friends with bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder who have succumbed to suicide. But I decided that if I have been fated with such a dark and dangerous disorder, my personal choice has to be to endure and to make it pay for itself. If I am going to be affected by an illness that also creates havoc in the lives around me then I am going to learn from it and hope to gain wisdom from it.

jacob-wrestled-with-the-angel

Jacob Wrestles With an Angel
And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two womenservants, and his eleven sons, and passed over the ford Jabbok.
And he took them, and sent them over the brook, and sent over that he had.
And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob’s thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.
And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.
And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.
And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.
And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.
And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.

Genesis 32:22-30, King James Version (KJV)

___________

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.

August Wilson

 

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